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Patricia Williams

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Kelly Rohrbach should star in her own spin-off, Crotch Watch

If you thought movie theater floors were a sticky mess before May 19, 2017, just wait until that red letter date when the BAYWATCH movie is finally released and hopefully blown up for ultrahigh-resolution IMAX screens. We're going to have an army of Paul Rubens (Pee-wee Herman) filling seats in the darkest corners of the theater, trying not to get arrested for indecent exposure. If you're one of those tasteless individuals – may I offer you an alternative to public fapping? Save a couple of these Kelly Rohrbach crotch shots in your phone, laptop or any other device used for storing media and revisit them an hour before purchasing your overpriced tickets. Sure, they're not the glorious IMAX renderings that make for much better fantasy fodder, but I highly doubt scenes of this model turned lifeguard, sitting spread eagle, will make the final cut. In regards to the spinoff mentioned in the title: the idea is two hours of Kelly Rohrbach crotch shots – much like the ones in this photo set, only many more close-ups – filmed on 65 mm ... that's it.

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